A Shameful Confession

I find myself writing this as if I were scribing it freehand in the black, softback leather journal my eldest daughter gave to me as a gift of inspiration.   I treasure this as it was given from the heart and it shows me the love and clear understanding that my daughter has of her father.  But as this will serve as my confession more so than a journalistic piece of my work, the content of this prose flows freely from my mind, directly to the screen of my MacBook, as I don’t feel it pertinent to draw it up by hand and then type it into the computer.  I have meditated on writing about this topic, or affliction, as it will soon come to be known, for several days.  I have contacted several friends of mine in the clergy to help me try to understand why I have allowed this weakness to influence my better judgment and ability to think clearly.  As I am a practitioner of the Christian faith, I believe we are given the choice of free will, but we also have a responsibility to do the right thing.  I believe that we will never reach our full potential unless we have made peace with those things that are not the right choices in our lives.  So without any further fanfare or the fear of shame from those of you who read this, I must declare my transgressions in print; right here, right now, so I may move on to bigger and better things in my life.  It is at this time I must profess my love for another and freely admit she has a tremendous hold on me.

The grip she has on me is so tight; I find that I cannot go to sleep at night without inviting her into my bed for that sweet time that I have grown so accustomed to having on a nightly basis.  The passion is so strong, I find myself reaching for her the first thing in the morning and then again sometimes, even when I break for lunch or go for coffee in the afternoon.  While going for coffee is just an excuse to have her again, I often actually do get coffee, but I take her with me or pick her up on the way there.  I know that my feelings for her are much stronger and more real for me, as she has no feeling for me whatsoever.  To her it is just a physical act of selfish consumption and if it weren’t me, it would be some other poor oaf who has succumbed to his temptation.  Even the scent of her brings me to that happy place in my mind; that place where better judgment looses out to giving into to mortal desires of the flesh.  As I am a rather large man, I am a sucker for a little girth and I appreciate what the essence that is held inside this girth tends to bring.  It was so hard to control myself over the holidays, seeing her festooned in the colorful whites, reds, and greens of the seasonal colors.  Stripes really get my attention and its as if she knows that I’m about to lose my mind when I see them on her. 

My family knows of this affliction and sadly I have drawn my daughters into this, often even smiling when she is around.  My daughters are loving children and have no harsh judgment of me as I have gone down this path.  They even joined us for coffee when they were out of school for the holidays.  Again, confessing the truth, she is very cheap and could be likened to a dime store floosy.  There will probably never be a day that we share a fine meal together, as she would look out of place at any of the better establishments.  But I would rather have her alone and to myself anyway.  The reason I have chosen to disclose this misdeed out loud and at this particular time in my life, is to try and rid her from my being as I am starting a new job next week and do not want to carry any excess baggage or bad habits with me.  My new employer was direct in telling me that they were good people and anything that was not specifically good for us, was considered by them to be explicitly bad for us.  And they will not sit back and let an employee’s bad habits affect their business in any way, shape or form.   So as I try and shake this out of our lives, I ask for you to be supportive of me as I am trying to fix myself, so please do not judge me.  I know that even though I have slipped several times before, I can and will beat her this time.

For the sake of full disclosure and just to sate those of you who are dying to know the name of this incarnate wickedness that has such a hold on me, I will divulge the innocent sounding name that has grown to mean so much to me, while at the same time causing me great harm.  Most of you know her by name and recognize her the minute you see her; her name is Little Debbie and I Nolon Saucier, feel that they never put enough snack cakes in the box.